So This is Fifty

The age span in our home. Jack 87, Me 51, Aden7

So This is Fifty

Yesterday I took some time to “shop” for myself…something I do not often do…I have a niece getting married, and I need a nice dress for the wedding. Since I basically SUCK at all things to do with clothes for myself, I usually put it off to the very last moment of NEED….this time was different…. Let me explain.

This time was different because I was prepared…I KNEW going into it that it would not be easy. I have put on excess weight since the last time I shopped for a cute dress or something for a formal occasion…so I have been dieting….well not “just” dieting, but REALLY dieting…taking vitamins…I’ve tried weight watchers…counting calories, exercise, positive thinking strategies….STARVING myself….and even shots to control my eating, in order to lose! Nothing but nothing has worked….so I knew up front it would probably not be a pleasant experience going into the dress shop… delusions, that when I stepped into that dressing room…somehow that cute little black number would not look so bad after all!  OH HOW WE FOOL ourselves right???  RIGHT! I went DIRECTLY into that damn dressing room, and got so flipping depressed, that I wanted to cry all the way home…..  Let me just say that I think it really unfair that when I was young and had the really great body….I had virtually NO $$$$ to buy delicious little numbers like this….NOW, I have the money and NOT the body! I told the cute little TINY salesgirl…and I say “girl” because she WAS a girl….only about 19yrs old,…to enjoy her youth and eat everything she wants for the next 10 years or so,…..anything and everything….because she will probably not have to pay for that until she is at least 30 to 40 yrs old,….to wear all the cute, adorable, clothes she can, (even if it means she goes into deep debt buying it all), and when she is “my” age, at least she will feel like she has enjoyed some “good years” with a hot bod!  I explain that I am going to have to go buy one of those “body slimmer” things I have seen on TV just to zip these dresses up”! She promptly tells me about something called “Spanx”…of which I can pick up right down the street at Nordstrom’s….I quickly go over there, (oh and the “girl” told me to be sure to ask for the “heavy duty” one)…..I did this…..she told me I would be AMAZED, and delighted with the results and that everything would suddenly look great, just like the commercials I see on TV …..Where the photo of the model goes from a tub o lard, to your old High School figure, in a matter of pulling that puppy up and over your “NOW” body! I was so very excited! I could not wait for the transformation to happen……so I pulled, and I tugged and I stretched and grunted… all the while watching the fat from my body all being pulled up up up until it all piled directly under my neck! As this was a “full body version”   Now…..I love to cook, so I have done a lot of it in my life…after all “I am” 51 years old…. So I have made my “own” sausage a time or two….and stuffed it into those “casings”….and I assure you this was EXACTLY what I was doing with my body with that SPANX thingy! I was simply stuffing my lumpy, lardy, out of control….but oh so seasoned body, into a human sausage casing! And guess WHAT?  I did indeed look like a sausage! All tight and smooth and even a little shimmery…..although I did NOT look any more like my high school body, than that sausage I stuffed all those years back looked like a sexily shaped perfume bottle…..a sausage is a sausage is a sausage……

However, I bought the damn Spanx…..because well….I still want to believe……that somehow it really DOES make me look like my old High School body. And if just ONE person tells me, on the day that I wear it, that I look great, I will try to get “them” to buy one too! Because when it comes to our bodies…..women LOVE to live in denial…..and do not say it is NOT TRUE! Because we know it IS!

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